White House Launches Attack On Spears

WASHINGTON — The White House responded furiously to the recent allegations leveled by the marginally talented Britney Spears, where she claimed “Don’t ya know that your toxic?” in an obvious allusion to the administration’s preparedness for terrorist attacks. Vice President Cheney emerged from his hyperbaric chamber to tell an intoxicated Rush Limbaugh that “Spears is just not a credible expert on this topic. She’s told us before that she’s ‘crazy’, has no idea whether she’s ‘a girl, not yet a woman’ and has a longstanding history of foisting mediocrity on to an unsuspecting public.” Refusing to testify to anyone who isn’t a major media network, Condaleeza Rice told Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly that Spears was “totally out of the loop” when it came to the administration’s sex-based program activities, which contradicted spokesman Scott McClellan’s assertion that “numerous sex based incidents – from Monica’s oval office visits, to Janet’s ‘wardrobe malfunction’ all happened under Britney’s watch”. O’Reilly moved on to ask Ms. Rice her favorite movie and whether she preferred fluffy or puffy bunnies.

President Bush rarely enters the fray of partisan politics (only on days that end in “Y”) but he told a crowd of the seven voters in Ohio who will actually decide the election that “had I known that Britney Spears would still be a bestselling artist, over 5 years after the release of her first album – my administration would have developed a time machine and done something about it”. Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry lashed out at Bush, accusing him of attacking Spears “without getting into the real issues. What’s her favorite color? What kind of guys does she like? Does she have a thing for Vietnam vets?”