CONFESSION: The 2016 Election Was An Inside Job

Finally, with less than 48 hours until the polls close I can finally confess the true and 100% accurate story of the 2016 presidential election.

I was at a top-level meeting in February of 2015 when the problem of a third term for the Democratic Party in the presidency was first broached. We knew that it was highly unlikely that America would vote three times in a row for Democrats, let alone a well-known Democrat like Hillary Clinton who angers so many conservative Republicans.

That was when it was decided that we would enlist a Trojan horse.

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It didn’t take long to plant the seed in Donald Trump’s mind that he should run for president. Soon, we enlisted the aid of the media to continue pushing him as a viable Republican candidate, despite his clear unsuitability to the office.

We watched with glee as our surge to the Republican primary polls worked towards the nomination of Trump, even as the candidate simultaneously said the most outrageous and ridiculous things sure to be a complete loser in the general election.

You can’t really believe that “build a wall” was Trump’s own idea? That was worked up in a focus group until it had received nearly 100% rejection except for the one member of our panel that was a reactionary white male over 70. “Patient Zero,” we called him as we turned to him again and again to field test Trump’s supposed “policy” statements.

As we previously arranged with them, the other Republican nominees quickly dropped out of the race, winnowing the field for Trump and making it appear as if he actually had popular appeal. When Jeb Bush had his “please clap” moment, we high-fived each other on the viral team. The pre-planned “look how pathetic he is” moment had tested off the charts.

Once Trump accepted the nomination, our plan was nearly 75% complete and we had hit 27 out of 39 internal metrics, well within the acceptable parameters that Secretary Clinton ordered.

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Making the Republican Convention into an unwatchable train wreck with a parade of nobody “celebrities” and low wattage Republican politicians was a perfectly choreographed operation by the Disinformation team.

Then we began “Operation Electoral College”

  • The strategically released “p*ssy” tape.
  • The spontaneous Twitter meltdowns. You should have seen the scripts for that one.
  • Just absolutely tanking the debates. We’ve had the “Nasty Woman” t-shirts printed since June and sitting in our warehouse.

Then, with the drama apparently completely maximized, we went all-in. Clinton’s strategically timed pneumonia “episode” was a really great moment I’m proud of the writer’s room for coming up with and executing. Everything was in sync. The media amplified our key message, as did Trump — as if he was reading off cue cards (he was).

We followed that episode up with some quality poll rigging, adding in the FBI Director’s letter just to spice things up. We knew we had to make this election look somewhat winnable in order to keep the GOP from dumping Trump. Chairman Reince Priebus begged us on multiple occasions to throw in the towel, but by then we were all in too deep. This operation had to be seen to the end.

And now here we are, the entire sordid affair laid bare, Trump supporters never the wiser that they were the complete and total patsy to the greatest psy-op in the history of mankind.

So great the con of man.

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Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Clinton T-Shirts
Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Clinton T-Shirts


  • MFrench

    I really enjoyed your article and humor. #45HRC

  • twinxx

    Steady on old chap. You know discerning fact from fiction isn’t in most Trumpet’s toolkits.

  • dbtheonly

    While certainly applauding what you did in the political branch; we in the religious branch, under, the direct supervision of Clinton herself, held the Satanic Rituals, and Wiccan Coven Rituals which have clouded the minds and actions of those in a position to hinder Hillary’s election.

    While I can’t claim it was my idea; why did FBI Director Comey completely reverse course in just one week?

    Why has the investigation of the Clinton Foundation been dropped?

    And my own, small, contribution, what went wrong with Trump’s sinuses during the debates?

    Credit to the Political Branch, but the occult powers we, in the Religious Branch, played our role too.

    • Dennis

      db,

      Somewhere Frank DiSalle is laughing uncontrollably. I just know he is.

      • dbtheonly

        Hi Dennis,

        No doubt Frank’s laughing, but he’s never coughed on the $25 he lost four years ago. This season I had a Hillary Landslide Supporter take me up on I’d give $1 for each EV over 350 for $1 for each EV under. Didn’t want to win it this big.

        My correction below. Shakespeare had a quote for everything.

        Glad you’re still around. Hope you’re well. Any idea on any of the old crowd?

        • Dennis

          DA still stalks and doxxes me on occasion. Other than that, don’t see many folks from the old gang any more.

          Hope you are well.

          • dbtheonly

            Thanks. Older, heavier, a lot grayer. Getting old is not fun, but it certainly beats the alternative. Generally healthy. You?

            I’ve found myself on the far side of some generation gaps. Trying hard not to ask what the young generation is coming to.

          • Dennis

            I’m doing ok, thanks.

          • Dennis

            Doing ok, thanks.

  • RoughAcres RL McKee

    Thanks, Oliver. Enjoy you on Twitter, enjoyed you here.
    Wicked sense of humor!

    #StrongerTogether

  • MamaChitChatChitterling

    Send this shit to the Onion. 15 Republicans did not conspire with your ass to propel Trump to the frontline. Just stop nicca.

  • dbtheonly

    Our jest doth seem of little wit
    When thousands more weep than laughed at it.