Oliver Willis

CONFESSION: The 2016 Election Was An Inside Job

Finally, with less than 48 hours until the polls close I can finally confess the true and 100% accurate story of the 2016 presidential election.

I was at a top-level meeting in February of 2015 when the problem of a third term for the Democratic Party in the presidency was first broached. We knew that it was highly unlikely that America would vote three times in a row for Democrats, let alone a well-known Democrat like Hillary Clinton who angers so many conservative Republicans.

That was when it was decided that we would enlist a Trojan horse.

It didn’t take long to plant the seed in Donald Trump’s mind that he should run for president. Soon, we enlisted the aid of the media to continue pushing him as a viable Republican candidate, despite his clear unsuitability to the office.

We watched with glee as our surge to the Republican primary polls worked towards the nomination of Trump, even as the candidate simultaneously said the most outrageous and ridiculous things sure to be a complete loser in the general election.

You can’t really believe that “build a wall” was Trump’s own idea? That was worked up in a focus group until it had received nearly 100% rejection except for the one member of our panel that was a reactionary white male over 70. “Patient Zero,” we called him as we turned to him again and again to field test Trump’s supposed “policy” statements.

As we previously arranged with them, the other Republican nominees quickly dropped out of the race, winnowing the field for Trump and making it appear as if he actually had popular appeal. When Jeb Bush had his “please clap” moment, we high-fived each other on the viral team. The pre-planned “look how pathetic he is” moment had tested off the charts.

Once Trump accepted the nomination, our plan was nearly 75% complete and we had hit 27 out of 39 internal metrics, well within the acceptable parameters that Secretary Clinton ordered.

Making the Republican Convention into an unwatchable train wreck with a parade of nobody “celebrities” and low wattage Republican politicians was a perfectly choreographed operation by the Disinformation team.

Then we began “Operation Electoral College”

Then, with the drama apparently completely maximized, we went all-in. Clinton’s strategically timed pneumonia “episode” was a really great moment I’m proud of the writer’s room for coming up with and executing. Everything was in sync. The media amplified our key message, as did Trump — as if he was reading off cue cards (he was).

We followed that episode up with some quality poll rigging, adding in the FBI Director’s letter just to spice things up. We knew we had to make this election look somewhat winnable in order to keep the GOP from dumping Trump. Chairman Reince Priebus begged us on multiple occasions to throw in the towel, but by then we were all in too deep. This operation had to be seen to the end.

And now here we are, the entire sordid affair laid bare, Trump supporters never the wiser that they were the complete and total patsy to the greatest psy-op in the history of mankind.

So great the con of man.