Oliver Willis

Right Wing Fantasy Obama: What Really Happened To John Boehner?

Barack Obama sat in the Oval Office, listening to his vintage record of The International, the official anthem of the Communist Party. He had memorized the words long ago in his childhood, and it made his heart swell to hear about the thus-far unrealized dream world of the Communist movement, his paradise.

An aide walked in.

“My apologies for interrupting your daily listen, sir—“

Obama opened his eyes, anger rising after having been interrupted.

“This better be good.”

“Normally I would never interrupt but its Speaker Boehner.”

“What of him?”

“He’s gone sir. Resigning.”

“Excellent. Just… excellent.”

The aide walked away as Obama sank bank in his chair. A smile crawled across the President’s face like an illegal immigrant across the border.

He had worked for this day for so long, and he was going to appreciate it.

The plan had been put into motion a week after the 2010 midterm election. Despite his best efforts to implement full Communism with the stimulus and health care reform, Americans had stubbornly voted for Republicans and put them back in power in the House. Obama had convened an emergency meeting with the Liberal Media Central Command, slamming them for their failure to manipulate public sentiment as they had in order to first get him elected in 2008.

“Gentlemen, this election has been a disappointment. My enemies are now in power in the House. How will I be able to implement Full Communism with these – patriots – in power?”

Andy Lack, Chairman of NBC News, spoke up first.

“We apologize, my liege. We did our best. We tried to recreate the magic of 2008, but it wasn’t enough. The American people still insist on being independent thinkers, despite the glory of your reign.”

James Goldston, head of news at ABC, chimed in.

“We even inserted subliminal messaging during Grey’s Anatomy, sir. It wasn’t enough.”

“Silence!” Obama bellowed. “I don’t want to hear your whining. Nothing will stop me from implementing Full Communism. NOTHING.”

The President looked at the empty pedestal where the bust of Winston Churchill once sat and found inspiration inside his dark heart.

“You will re-double your efforts. I will be re-elected, by Lenin’s beard! And now that Boehner will be Speaker, you must execute Plan 3346.”

“3346? But it’s never been tried,” Lack whined, tears streaming down his eyes in shame.

“The Communism Playbook has never failed us,” Obama replied, “it has led me, a mere black man, into the White House, it led us to pass a stimulus plan that is a frontal assault on communism, and a health care plan that nationalized the health care system in secret. It will also help us take down Boehner. Your role is to paint the Congress as ineffectual and ideological, even though their efforts to repeal Obamacare are obviously super popular, along with their plans to defund the abortion industry that naturally funds our Democratic Party in full.”

Goldston chimed in, “but sir, we can’t go 100% negative on Boehner. We have to report facts.”

Obama slammed his fist on his desk, jostling his Karl Marx bobble head.

“I won’t have this! If you’re unwilling to smear my enemies for the glory of the left, I’ll have you replaced. It can be done. My power is absolute. We secretly re-wrote the Constitution to give me oodles of executive power, and that includes the power to replace the heads of network news!”

“My apologies sir. I am unworthy to be in the presence of The One. I withdraw my remarks.”

Goldston then dropped to his knees and lay prostrate in front of Obama, as was the custom.

Obama ignored him, directing his attention to the other news chiefs. “If anyone else has a problem with this, remember Gitmo has a Journalism wing, for those who have questioned my regime.”

The men sat silently. The plan would be fully implemented, and a mere five years later Boehner would be out of his job, another victim of Right Wing Fantasy Obama’s master plan.

Joe Biden walked into the Oval Office and sat in what had been dubbed The Henchman’s Seat, then spoke.

“So boss, what are we going to do tonight?”

“The same thing we do every night, Biden. Try to take over the world. WITH SOCIALISM.”

Stay tuned for another thrilling adventure with RIGHT WING FANTASY OBAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!