My fellow Americans,
It has been an honor to serve as your Vice President for the last 6 years. My wife Jill and I have been discussing what – if any – next steps we’d like to take as the Obama administration winds down.
After careful consideration and several hours spent consulting with my advisers I have come to a conclusion: I think I could take Bernie Sanders in a fistfight.
Senator Sanders has been a tireless champion of the little guy, and he has been a strong ally of our administration in the Senate, often pushing us to be more progressive than we may have originally intended on a host of issues, particularly on domestic policy.
Before I was elected vice president, it was a pleasure to caucus with him in the Capitol.
But I am now certain that in a throw down, bare knuckled brawl between the two of us, I could make Bernard Sanders cry out in pain for his mother.
I have a height advantage over the junior Senator from Vermont, which I would use to rain almighty hell upon his exposed balding head. While the Independent is somewhat bulkier than I am, I would use my naturally lithe physique to evade most of his offensive moves.
In the event that Sanders connects with my midsection with his decently-sized meat hooks, my team of advisors have assured me that Smoking Joey Biden has the chops to go the distance with the Maple Syrup Mayhem Maker.
I don’t enter into mortal combat with a fellow progressive and a man I consider a friend lightly. I do this with the full knowledge that one of us may never make love to our sweet brides again at the conclusion of this battle of goliaths.
But I am pretty sure in a fistfight, I could take Bernie Sanders.
Your friend and humble public servant,
Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr.