Operation Jade Helm 15: A Letter From Behind Enemy Lines


My dearest Eliza,

It has been three days since Barack Obama authorized the invasion of the Republic of Texas using the U.S. Army in Operation Jade Helm.

At first, our loosely organized band of open carry patriots held off the attack. We set up our forward base camp in the parking lot of Whataburger, and while Buford lost a toe due to improperly holstering his weapon, we were otherwise without casualty in the first hour.


Upon awakening to the traditional sound of Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red White and Blue” we were immediately ambushed by a squadron of New Black Panthers. We all wanted to honor Wayne LaPierre and be “good guys” with guns, but they were just so much faster, quicker and athletic than we were. Freakish, you could say. Maybe even thuggish.

Our unit was captured and taken to the local makeshift FEMA Camp in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. My senses were assailed by the combination of reasonable low prices and a video montage of decadent Hollywood films.

The holding cell was relatively comfortable, but the television was set to MSNBC. When Cody realized he couldn’t change the channel to Fox the idea of being exposed to a point of view that didn’t reinforce his existing biases drove him insane. Combined with the steady forced diet of organic protein bars and skim milk lattes I feel our candle will soon be snuffed out.



24 hours in this intolerable hell and I am now gay married to Zeke. We had a commitment ceremony in our FEMA prison and have both willingly donated to GLAAD and the Hillary Clinton campaign.

I apologize for abandoning the love we had together, but it’s just better this way. I believe this because the 40 foot high animatronic Obama robot we are forced to worship with the hymns of Saul Alinsky says I have to.

Yours in Gaia’s honor,
Gunther (formerly Hank)