Oliver Willis

The Story of Barack Obama (As Told By Conservatives)

Barack Obama was born in Kenya. His father was the communist Frank Marshall Davis, who taught the young Barack the ways of Communism.

At some point, Barack Obama Sr. came into the picture and pretended to be Barack Obama’s real father. He taught his “son” to hate the British because of their behavior in colonial days. The Obamas posted a birth announcement in a Hawaii newspaper in order to fake their son’s birth on U.S. soil.

Obama attended a Madrassa in Indonesia, where he grew up. This is where he learned to be a Muslim.

Obama then decided to adopt the name “Barry” as part of his long-standing plot to fake being American.

In high school Obama smoked a lot of weed. He was the first and only person who grew up in the 1970s to do so.

Obama did not go to college – nobody remembers seeing him, and they can fake pictures – and also became the president of the Harvard Law Review. He hugged a black studies professor one time, probably to get secret messages on how to be a good socialist.

Obama dated a white woman while not at college. As a black supremacist, their relationship could not last.

Obama eventually married Michelle Obama, who hated America and was very very fat.

At this point, Obama began to worship with Jeremiah Wright, continuously agreeing with every thing Wright said.

Obama worked as a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago, which is a fancy way of saying professional Socialist. He made his connections here with fringe left-wing radicals that would be instrumental down the line, because left-wing radicals are as influential now as they were in 1968.

Obama lost a congressional race to Bobby Seale, and began to learn the mind control techniques he would need to be successful in the future.

At some point around this time, Obama had a homosexual affair. Come on, you just know he did.

Obama was elected to the Illinois State Senate, then began to support a slew of bills, including open infanticide, teaching sex techniques to elementary age children and voicing opposition to invading Iraq unlike all the other good people.

Using a series of dirty tricks, like doing opposition research on his political opponents, Obama cleared the field in the Illinois U.S. Senate race. Even so, he barely defeated Alan Keyes by 43 percent.

Obama was elected to the U.S. Senate and then Liberal Moneymen decided he would be their chosen Manchurian candidate for President.

Obama won the nomination in 2008, and proceeded to further use mind control tricks in order to attract the support of young voters, who were totally in a trance because Obama never spoke in specifics, only repeating the mantra “HopeNChange.”

The Obama campaign smeared the good name of war hero John McCain, who was propped up by the mainstream media because in reality he is a RINO SQUISH.

Thanks to Liberal Moneymen deliberately crashing the economy, plus the use of armed New Black Panthers and agents of ACORN at the ballot box, Obama was able to steal enough votes to become President.

Everything was good with the economy until Obama was elected, then mysteriously on January 20, 2009, the market collapsed. Thanks to Obama and his socialisms.

By being mean, Obama got Congress to pass the stimulus, which no Republican supported.

America began adding jobs but not based on this weird formula which nobody actually uses, so Obama’s entire jobs record is suspect.

Then Obama did the worst thing ever. He RAMMED a law through Congress. And when we say “rammed” we mean he proposed legislation that was voted on by the House and Senate and passed by majorities in both bodies.

Brave Republican Attorneys General challenged Obama’s health care law, but due to gay sex photos of Chief Justice Roberts, he was blackmailed into upholding the health care law.

Osama Bin Laden was killed during Obama’s first term, which he made all about himself by repeatedly thanking the members of SEAL Team Six on national television. Also it was no big deal that Bin Laden was caught, even though he killed thousands of people and was elevated to public enemy number one by President Bush.

When Obama came up for re-election, the liberal media again used voodoo spells on the GOP primary and forced Mitt Romney to be nominated. Even so, Obama refused to just give up the presidency and actually campaigned against Romney just like a Kenyan usurper would. He and his campaign and supporters said mean things about Romney and had the nerve to make note of the fact that Romney hid his taxes and kept his money offshore. Meanies.

During the election, the attack on Benghazi happened. When it happened Obama issued an order for a major cover-up and a memo was edited. Like, a lot. But Obama hid all of this because he knew it would be the silver bullet to stop his campaign or a future Clinton campaign.

At the same time, Tea Party groups were filing for non-profit status. Obama knew these groups would have put up AWESOME ads that would destroy him and his presidency, so he ordered the IRS to investigate these groups. He didn’t tell the IRS to audit anyone or use its powers against them, he instead did the least destructive thing because Obama is super diabolical.

Then he and his campaign rigged the polls. In reality, Romney was headed towards a Reagan-style landslide, just as George Will and Michael Barone and Dick Morris had predicted. Instead, the media and Obama fixed the polls and made it so all of them showed him winning, which convinced low information voters (aka the black ones) that Obama was winning.

Obama also got the Bureau of Labor Statistics to fake the unemployment rate. He decided against just cutting it in half and instead had it drop just a marginal amount, because he is America’s most evil president.

On Election Day, thanks to rigging the polls and hiding Benghazi and the IRS and the work of the New Black Panthers, Obama was re-elected. This was also helped by forcing Romney’s election day tool, Orca, to crash.

Once re-elected, Obama has continued to spread socialism via a record breaking stock market, while still covering up Benghazi and the like.

Soon the evil of Obama will be exposed and he will be impeached and finally the right people will get to be back in charge of America, wink wink if you know what I mean.