Dear President Obama,

If there’s even the slightest of chances you or anyone in your inner circle listens to this mushy mush “centrist” piss off everyone please nobody solve nothing nonsense from Bob Dole, I’ll probably jump off of a bridge.*

Love,
Oliver

* There’s no indication anyone in the White House cares one bit about this nonsense, but I just wanted this on the record should my body be found in the Potomac or Chesapeake.