Cherry Pickin’! With The Clintons

cherryBack in the dark ages we now refer to as the early 1990s, I was in high school. On Fridays my friends and I had a standing appointment to play basketball. It was nothing formal and certainly not at a high level of skill – my main contribution was being the big guy who stood in the paint and made funny voices so I sounded like Shaq. My friend Mark used to tote a bottle of Gatorade labeled “Michael’s (Jordan) Favorite!” That kind of thing. But we had this one guy who played with us occasionally who used to do the weirdest thing. We would be playing, joking around, flailing at each other and hurling the basketball in the air on the off-chance that it might go into the hoop sometime, and if this guy was on a team that was getting beaten he would… just walk off.

He wouldn’t say anything, he wouldn’t make a snide remark or chide his teammates, it was even worse. He just walked off, a sore ass loser.

I say this because President Clinton has once again dug into the feces and pulled out another pony for his wife to ride on.

While speaking by phone Thursday to his wife’s Texas supporters, former President Bill Clinton downplayed the importance of caucuses and argued that his wife, Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., would capture the Democratic presidential nomination by outperforming Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., in primary states.

“Right now, among all the primary states, believe it or not, Hillary’s only 16 votes behind in pledged delegates,” said Bill Clinton, “and she’s gonna wind up with the lead in the popular vote in the primary states. She’s gonna wind up with the lead in the delegates [from primary states].”

“It’s the caucuses that have been killing us,” he added.

Got that? In addition to red states that go Obama not counting, southern states with large black populations worth nothing, blue states that have the nerve to go against the annointed one being excluded, now all the caucuses don’t count. None of them, so the criteria we must use from here on is primary states where Sen. Clinton won. Mister President, just put a crown on her and quit beating around the bush, because clearly Queen Elizabeth isn’t the only monarch as head of state of a major western power left!

Christ, what is wrong with these people?

You know who once didn’t have such a problem with caucuses? Hillary Clinton.

“So I ask you to caucus for me tomorrow. Put on your coats and call up a friend and help me change America,” she says. “If you stand with me for one night, I will stand up for you every day as your President.”

But that was back on the second of January before she began losing from coast to coast. Contrary to President Clinton’s twisted logic, all the delegates count – be they in primaries or caucuses, red states or blue states, black voters or none. That’s the contest the Democratic party set up, and while I know this is a shocker to the two of them: They don’t own the party.

Stay tuned for another edition of Cherry Pickin’! With The Clintons: If they can’t win steal the nomination, nobody can.

ALSO: Exclusive footage of the Clinton campaign as interpreted by a troupe of mid-20th century British comedians.